When it comes to marriage, we expect to begin only once. So much so that many brides plan the commencement event for months, carefully selecting flowers, dresses, and really good cake.
But as the months and years progress as a married woman,
you may wish that your spousal relationship came with a do-over button, or a hard system reset. I know I sure have.
Words spoken out of anger or hurt.
Wounds from your past cut deeper by inconsiderate mistakes.
Seasons when you can’t get or stay on the same page, no matter how hard you try.
Maybe things are fine, good even, but the trajectory of your connection somehow now aims at comfortable and familiar instead of the loftier goals of vibrant and intimate.
I’ve hit that big ol’ reset button hundreds of times in my eight years as a married woman. Sometimes reconnecting after an argument, or redirecting my brain from thoughts of doubt and stress to faith and peace.
The largest reset so far came from a cold, relationship winter after my son was born. He was our first. Between the baby things, life stuff, work balance, and lack of sleep, my husband, Jared, and I struggled to get and stay on the same page. It felt like winter. Dreary. Isolating. Lonely.
And then … reset.
I’d love to offer you an immediate fix to any problem you face, but every reconditioning takes time. But I do come with great news.
No matter what season marks your marriage today, you can begin again and initiate a powerful system refresh for your relationship.
Here’s how I RESET:
- Recognize. Take stock of your current situation.
- Examine the role you play. When we’re looking for a new start, it’s easy to focus on the external influences that contributed to our current situation. What he What circumstance happened. Instead, this reset requires introspection to identify the part I played—whether intentional or reactionary—in our current situation.
- Set a new course. I like to focus on how my husband can improve in step two, so I can strategize areas of his improvement in step three. But my reset plan requires that I set a different course for me. What new approach can I take to invest in our marriage? Even if my husband does not change, the ways I speak, think, respond, pray, and prepare do make the situation better. And the most important element of a wife’s new plan of attack? Seek Jesus. Ask Christ to meet you there in the midst of it, and seek His guidance on what you should do next.
- Execute. Put that new game plan in motion. This could be as simple as “the next time my husband annoys me, I’m going to pray for God to bless him instead of grumbling and complaining.” Set reminders for yourself and build new habits based on how the Lord prompts your heart.
- Trust God with the outcome. At the beginning, it’s probably not going to feel very restart-y. Everything else will look and feel the same, and events will likely roll out just as they have in past months or years. But you are the thing that’s different. As we entrust our marriages to Jesus, He asks us to live with actions of faith. We can trust Him with the outcome of our obedience. Jesus has walked with Jared and me through every difficult season, including the freezing cold ones. The more I turn my attention to His voice, and His presence in the midst of it, the better everything becomes.
As you consider your relationship with your spouse, can you identify aspects that would benefit from a system reset? An area of hurt or contention? Sore subjects that sit like full-grown Dumbo on your chest but you’ve learned better than to bring it up for discussion? A hesitancy to spend time together or a preference for time apart?
You can reset.
Please Note: Abuse is never ok. If your marriage needs a reset because of abuse of any kind—physical, spiritual, sexual, verbal, fiscal, emotional—please seek professional Christian help. The first thing you can do to pursue restoration is to find safety and support.
Jen Weaver is the author of A Wife’s Secret to Happiness and is passionate about sharing strength with others as a writer, Bible teacher, speaker, and blogger at thejenweaver.com. She’s also one of the hosts of The Declare Conference, a conference equipping women to walk in their calling as Christian communicators. Married to her best friend Jared, she’s the happy mom of a growing family. She’s on social media as @thejenweaver and she’d love to connect with you, especially on Instagram, Facebook, and Pinterest.