Begin Again: Endure the Inner Battle With Renegade Faith

Faith Family Grace Strength

Tomorrow morning I will wake and my tween son and teenage daughter will wake with their dads and stepmoms. Not with me. It’s been this way for years and it doesn’t get any easier.

I’m being transparent for you in this sliver of vulnerability because I can’t be the only mom who is fit, a believer in Christ’s sacrifice, and at one point in time made the best decision for her children  (at the time) no matter how unconventional it looked to the outside world.


Growing up without a father, I swore I would never let my children do without theirs. In doing this, I gave them too much power. I made myself less when I should have made God more. I placed the void of being fatherless on a pedestal instead of trusting God with his infinite grace. Placed my hope in man (literally) and not in the Most High.

I lived with the lie of “not good enough to be their mom.”

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.  Galatians 2:20

Over the years Christ started to peel back the layers of lies I painted on myself. He began to replace those layers with who I am in his eyes.




Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Worth more than rubies.

Never again fatherless.

Not a victim.



When I forget the promise of the Almighty, I reach out to my sisters in Christ, my husband, and cradle my newborn baby – God’s second chance at a new beginning. He promises it’s never too late to begin again.

Begin again.

Then Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty.  John 6:35

I need to believe the sacrifice on the cross that took this pain away before it burrowed in my chest.

Recently, a dear friend reminded me that each of us is given a battle to endure because it’s in the victory of the battle that we are able to connect with one another.

Each of us bears a testimony to be used for the greater good.

I pray I do right by my children and by our maker. None of it is easy, but when the light shines bright, it blinds my heart in all the best ways. I imagine this is how God feels when we lay it at his feet.

Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours.  Mark 11:24


The laughter of my children, the memories we make as a family when we are together, and a renegade faith to keep carrying on. I carry these all the days of my life.

My hope is a joint managing conservator (mother or father) is reading this. Or even a parent who does not have custody of their child(ren). I pray for you and me daily. I’ve only met one other mother like me. She is the most beautiful person I know. There are more like us.

We’re going to make it out alright and so are our children. Because we have renegade faith.

Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”  John 11:40

Dear Reader,

I almost didn’t post this for fear of “airing dirty laundry,” but God kept placing it on my heart because there were things he needed me to write/read/absorb. There are things he is saying to someone here today and I hope it touches you in the way He intends.

Love you,