At the crux of the New Year, I find myself in a daze. My inbox is full of lists, resolutions, tips for a better new year and yet this one feels the same as the last. I’m not trying to be a negative Natalia. Bear with me.
As I cut a homemade chocolate cake with my tween (made by him) and rang in the New Year looking out our window at the spectacular (and illegal) fireworks show in my barrio. I scooped up my one-year-old aroused by the neighbor’s debacle and texted a few close friends. Was this how my year was supposed to end? Behind a window?
With all the hard work I put into 2017, my faith took a beating.
Among the poems and the articles, the rejections and the publications, between the writing life wins, life happened.
I learned to live in a multi-generation home, disease spread its dirty wings into my family, evil reared its ugly head on more than one occasion, and my heart nearly exploded from holding it all together because my home expects nothing less of me.
In the folds of emotion, the Most High delivered to me over and over a vision of welcoming what I didn’t understand. Each time a vision came to me, I wanted it to be gone. I didn’t want to open the door. I have never been hospitable to doubt.
On the last day of the year, I asked myself what it would mean to welcome doubt like a lover, like a wandering soul wanting to be remembered.
As I stand behind the window and write to you, beautiful reader, I want you to understand that I am a Christian and I doubt that every day. I never doubt God is alive in it all but I do doubt that the Most High permeates my core.
Perhaps this rich, colorful tapestry of lingering doubt is what I need to saddle me into a bold faith.
The subtle bittersweet beauty which ended my year was a delivery of grace. One I now look at as a thanksgiving. The Most High held me gently because this would be the year to grab on to an undying faith. But not before the process of sifting.
This will be the year of sifting, the year of doubt to make bold the way of truth, the way of faith.
Did you come into the new year riddled with doubt, friend? I see you. Together, let’s welcome it. Let’s make amends with it and watch it see its way out. Doubt is not one for the welcoming.
Let us not shift our focus from the One who brings our soul rest when we’ve wandered the desert, friend. Together, we are stronger.